Question

You asked me a question
twice a day
'Are you okay?'
I smiled and said
'I am'
your eyes lit up
and you moved
forward.
You never looked back
to see
if I was actually
really
completely
okay. 

2:34 A.M.

26.09.15

After a long day I settled down on my bed, comfortable under the covers with the a.c. at the perfect temperature and slow music playing in the background. I spoke to my girls, watched some music videos, read a few chapters of a book I had read years back, and then I decided to call it a day. I shut my book, turned off the music, switched off the lights, washed my face with cold water, and lay down, to sleep. That's when it came like a monster, who was ready to pounce on me as soon as I was in the perfect state of mind. It hit me so hard, I was still but my head was racing miles away. My breaths were steady, but my mind was impatient and distant. I felt like there was this wall, between who I was and who I was meant to be. This fine line between what I showed to the world, and what I am. I believed that I was an illusion made by everyone and everything around me. I had a habit of always agreeing upon what was supposed to be instead of wondering why it was supposed to be like that, and that was the reason I was there lying numb. Next came, the mighty fear. Fear of failure, fear of lost battles with myself, and mostly the fear of being alone. Fear was a witty one. he brought with him tears. These tears blocked my vision and I couldn't stand still. I sat on the floor, with my pounding head in my hands. The only noise I could hear was me, sobbing which made me realize how weak I was, and how fear had the means to break me down, completely. Fear paved the way for the blame game. My mind blamed my heart, while my heart blamed it on the limbs and my eyes blamed the tears. My body blamed my soul. I didn't know what was happening. 

I still don't know what is happening. 

Dear best friend,

I had given up. It was dark all around. It was a mayhem, of emotions, feelings and a pandemonium of unsaid truths and beautiful lies. I had infinite secrets trapped in my curls. I was willing to let them go, but nobody came around to untangle my thoughts, to shake me into reality. I became as monotonous as a road which was not leading to any destination. I sat motionless, without words for hours in a stretch, never seemed to be getting out of a trance that was set in on ruining my mind. I won't say that you saved me, because you didn't. You made me believe that I am capable of saving myself, that I am indeed alone in this whole wide world and it's not a bitter truth, it's the reality that we spend our entire life running from. You made sure that I knew from the very beginning that everything will never turn out the way I wanted it to, but life will take me there one day. Sometimes, the means you resorted to were a little more than harsh for me to handle, but you made sure I did get the good out of it. I won't say you're a package of miracles waiting to happen, but my love you're an unending source of determination and raw soul. You're just in there, no matter how difficult or rough it might be. You are so fearless, unafraid of rocky roads, and the only thought in your mind is 'if there's a road, it's meant to be traveled on'. You're not a saint, and oh gosh, you're not perfect, you have your own weaknesses, but you're go over the top to make sure they are never visible to the naked eye. We traded looks, feelings, advice, and above all love. You were never the giving kind, you knew the truths of the world since the very start, you knew how it was full of give and take. You made sure to bring out the best in me and take it in to the fullest. You always looked me in the eye, never made me feel like there was any question in whatever you thought. Life wasn't always in our favor, we had our fair share of misunderstandings and heartbreaks, the difference was you never showed me that heart was broken and I left my heart open as a book right in front of you. And, you made sure to never exploit my openness. You made sure to understand how much I cling to you for support in the toughest of times, and you my friend act like that one drop of water to somebody who had been thirsty for days. 

I cannot even begin to describe what I love about you. Your eyes, shining all the time. There is a different kind of shine in your face, which is much more than smooth skin. My mother always said, 'she's got a smile which will help her win the world' and I couldn't agree more. That smile can melt hearts within moments. The best thing about you is that you do not sugarcoat things in life. You make sure that you serve everything in your mind raw and unabridged. I have seen how your eyes light up when you talk about something you're passionate about, how you do your little hand gestures when you're excited, that giggle when you are embarrassed, that disgusted face you make when I make some of my lamest jokes. I admire your quality to gel in with literally everyone no matter how old or young they may be, if they're around you, they will never be disappointed. I can't even begin about how much you inspire me. Your never-ending drive to achieve something in life is beyond me. Never in these twelve years have I heard from your mouth that you do not have the motivation to move forward. You're like this endless source of a queer kind of positivity. 

I've been friends with you for approximately my entire life. And I have seen you go from half ponytails to these never-growing-beyond-a-definite-length hair, from adorably plump to adorably plump but even more adorable, from a carefree child to an amazing young woman. No matter how hard I try, I can never forget you, you're in those parts of my heart that others can't even manage to reach. I still remember the day we met, which is one of the very few things I remember from my childhood. All around I hear people talking about how destiny has a story planned out for us, and how we're meant to meet people we meet since the very beginning. The only proof to the story of destiny in my life, is you. I met you in the weirdest circumstances and it just turned out that you have become an inseparable part of my life. 

Now, according to the B-theory of time, the flow of time is an illusion. There is no past present or future, they are equal and time is tense-less. In special relativity, the relativity of simultaneity shows that each part of the universe can have different set of events as present. I would choose to spend all the different versions of this present time I have with you, walking along the lanes of our locality and laughing so loud that we cannot breathe. 

I love you. 

Yours,

Shreya xo

-

Dear future me,
Please slap yourself. I don't care if your hands are trembling, or your eyes are burning. You asked for it. Your life isn't like a bag of candy, it's like a volcano. The calm, is always a calm before the storm. You've known this for years now. Even then when the storm comes, when the volcano erupts, you're still so surprised. You live in a bubble. This comfort bubble of yours, doesn't seem to pop. It's doing more harm than good, actually. It's making you weaker, and ignorant. Ignorant about what you're feeling. Ignorant about where your life is going. I'm sorry, girl your life is not the movies or the hipster quotes. You cannot bottle up everything all the time, and think that it's not going to bother you after a while. Remember, whatever goes around, comes around. I do not know if that is relevant, or not. But it's the only theory you need to keep constant in your mind where things are changing so rapidly, that you cannot keep track. Everything is a blur. You can cry all you want, but you're gonna have to wake up tomorrow and go about your daily activities like you always do. Nothing is going to change, and you cannot help it. You can scream all you want, but you're gonna have to do that math assignment, anyhow. You cannot live this life where you believe that everything goes according to you because it never does and it never will. You might think talking to your friends will help, but it's just going to help you conceal it better. But, then the day it's out, you're going to be so bitter, so different everything will fall apart. You can try but you can't put together glass pieces with glue for long. It's going to feel like nothing is real, and everything is out of reach. You just have to sit under the shower, not a warm comfortable shower, a cold shower that bites into your skin, and sit there for two hours. You need to get used to the cold, then come out of the shower, dry yourself, drink some warm water and get to work. You don't have time for things like falling apart and being lonely. You've been alone for 17 years, you can be like that for a little longer. That world map of yours isn't going to turn into reality if your tears fall on it, and baby, there's no fairy god mother and you're certainly not cinderella. Get up, smack yourself, and get some work done. You aren't going to succeed with this giving up attitude of yours. Nothing is falling apart, nobody is leaving. It's all in your head. It will always be in your head, you have to fight it. I know you can. I know you will.
Sincerely,
It's not worth your time.
Shreya xo

'Ignorance'

'Feminism isn't applicable in the real world. You need to come out of the internet and see how everything around you works'

'There are 1.3 billion people in this country, how do you think all of them are going to change the way they think?'

'We have been taught to live this way since birth, how do you expect us to change it suddenly?' 

'Life isn't going to be sunshine and sprinkles all the time, learn to deal with it and stop whining.'

'You cannot force your thoughts on others.'

'Feminism is just you escaping from your responsibilities.' 

'Why are feminists so angry?' (This is my favourite one)

'Why do you have to bring feminism in between all the time?'

This is a list of questions/statements which I have been subjected to by a lot of people over a course of a few months whenever I have tried to make a point. And, I have never been able to convince the curious minds of the mentioned people, on how these questions/statements make no sense whatsoever, because they are based on a common principle we call 'ignorance'. And only solution is walking away, because I certainly do not have the time or patience to deal with such ridiculous 'arguments'. Feminism is not up for debate. I do not care about your minuscular views. 

I am a silly girl

I was 5, and you were 3.
I was lying on my bed,
you were standing at your window stilt,
your eyes shining with innocence,
my heart full of love,
we became friends in a way,
that is beyond human understanding,
the force that bound us together,
was destiny, and love.
I was proud,
proud of my 'new friend',
proud of my 'best friend'.

I was 11, you were 9.
We roamed around on
the roads together,
collected flowers and
danced in the rain.
I was a silly girl,
and you were always the smart one.
We spent hours,
in each other's company,
we laughed, played,
and ate, ate a lot.
I was happy, and content with,
my 'best friend'.

I was 15 you were 13.
We stood up for each other,
you always had my back.
The world was jealous,
of how perfect we were.
I believed I never needed,
anything but you beside me.
We fought, cried, almost broke apart.
But,
I didn't want to give up,
not yet.
After all, they say that
"a friendship that lasts seven years, lasts a lifetime"
I was betrayed, alone, desolated,
but you came back,
you brought back the colour in my life.
I thought, that the dark times were gone,
I thought we were back,
back to you being my 'best friend'.
I was a silly girl,
and you were always the smart one.
I believed in forever and infinity,
while you lived in reality.

I am 17, you are 15.
I don't have a 'best friend' anymore.
I just have memories,
and the window across my house,
reminds me,
of what we were.
But the tears on my pillow,
remind me of what we have become.
It's my fault,
I am a silly girl,
and you're still the smart one.

You are the problem.

I walked on the road,

the woman in the pink sari, 

looked at me 

with disgust in her eyes. 

The nineteen year old boy, 

sneered at me. 

The man, walking beside his

little daughter,

stared at me.

They made me realize my mistake. 

My grave 'mistake'.

My 'mistake', 

because of which I,

'deserved'
such a reaction. 

The postman riding his cycle,

whistled at me. 

The middle aged security guard, 

pointed at me, 

and smirked. 

That smirk, 

shook my insides,

made me feel

so weak,

so vulnerable,

so wrong.

My 'mistake' seemed

even more serious, now. 

All I had done,

was wear a pair of shorts. 

All I had done, 

was believe that 

I am 'allowed'

to dress as I please. 

I'm a seventeen year old girl.

If you're sexualizing my body to an extent,

that I cannot exercise basic human rights I deserve, 

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.